I began taking bites of this popular lie about skinny when I was really young. I kind of always believed I was fat. I have never been close to over-weight in my life, but the lie began to grow. At 16 I got a job working in fast-food. This was perfect, I slowly began to stop eating. I’d promised myself I would as soon as it was possible. So the lie became my belief and my mantra. I would be skinny. The skinnier I got the more I wanted it. It was never enough for me.
I almost felt like someone was making me do these things. Someone was driving me towards being skinny. It was uncontrollable. The more I believed the lies, the more I lied about my life. I didn’t know the truth anymore.
Disillusioned by the lies I drove myself downward into depression. Partially I wanted control, partially I wanted purity. The purity was part of the perfection. Food became the impurities. I would go for days without eating. I lived off of these highs and I lived for them. But the truth of the matter was, I was so dead. I had no energy, no joy, no life. My spirit was dark.
Once everyone around me knew what I was fighting, I really did begin to fight against my eating disorder. I wanted to be better… kind of. But I was still living in so many of the lies. The lie that I had to be skinny was the surface lie, the one on the bottom is that I was unclean… I was trying to purify myself through this. I developed bulimia. Bulimia always felt dirty to me, but it was getting the same result.
For a long time I felt like I was in control of what I was eating, what I wasn’t eating and my disorder. I thought I had the power. I didn’t. The disorder had the power. I had given up the power a long time ago and I had become a slave to the lies of SKINNY. At some points I felt like I was hearing voices, telling me I had to. At other points I felt like I was doing things so far outside my control and I didn’t know how to stop them.
It was a struggle. I had given so much of myself to these lies. They were eating me from the inside. I still wasn’t skinny enough. I felt like no one understood, and no one recognized. Part of me just wanted to be skinny enough so someone could say I had a real problem. I wanted free. I wanted someone to say I was a slave and there was a way out. I wanted someone to say what I was feeling was hurting me. I wanted out, but I didn’t know the way.
“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”– John 14:6. I struggled between Jesus and my eating disorders for 2 years. I had good weeks, and bad weeks, I still felt like I was running. I didn’t really feel the kind of freedom I wanted. I also didn’t believe real freedom was possible. Someone had told me this would always be my struggle. This was as free as it was ever going to get for me.
John 8:35-36 “Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” The Bible says differently. The Bible said I could really be free. One night I was in a worship service. Everyone around me was touched by the spirit, everyone around me was free in Christ, they were crying, they were laughing they were overwhelmed by God. I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything. I realized in that moment that God was more important, that his truth was truer than everything I had been living, and that he was life. I got to my knees and I told him to take it all, that I was done. And in the moment I was freed.
I accepted the life Jesus had for me, and this time I threw off all the chains I had on before. I have NEVER struggled with eating disorders again. My freedom is real.
With my eating disorder I was paranoid and disturbed. With Christ I am fearless. With my eating disorder I was dark and without life. With Christ I am joyful and exuberant. With my eating disorder I was falling apart and I felt impure. With Christ I am complete and walking in purity. With my eating disorder I was a slave. With Christ I am free.
My life is changed. I will NEVER be the same.
What would it be like if your peace and comfort lasted longer than the food you ate? What would it be like if you weren’t making blood sacrifices in your own pain? What would it be like if you weren’t following the dark whisper telling you you had to be skinnier, that you had to do this, or that or exercise? What would it be like if you didn’t have to work so hard to save yourself? What would it be like if you could start with a clean record? What would it be like if you weren’t obsessed with food, health, image, weight, beauty?
There is freedom from the living hell of eating disorders. The kind of freedom in which you don’t worry about the things you worry about now.
Skinny is a lie. Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.