Archive for December, 2011

I recently got an amazing email from an amazing girl named Kelly G. Kelly is 16 and has overcome an eating disorder just this year. She says she “gives all the credit to God.” This is Kelly’s story:

“I never thought that I’d be the girl who hated herself, who thought she was so fat that she would starve herself just to be skinny. But somehow, somewhere along the line…I became exactly that. My name is Kelly, and I’ve had an eating disorder for probably about a year and a half now. And this is my story.

I, like many girls, wanted — and still want — to be beautiful. And “beautiful”, to me, meant stick-thin; that was my image of “perfect”. And I didn’t feel that I was that…and I wanted it. I craved it. My back injury made exercising painful…and so, I resorted to something else: I began to skip meals. I grew to hate myself for eating. I would make myself feel completely sick to my stomach to punish myself for eating. There were soooo many times I wished that I knew how to make myself throw up, just so I could get rid of the awful feeling, and the 100 calories I just put into my stomach. I was proud of myself when my stomach would growl; it was satisfying to lie about what I ate that day. I would lay in bed at night and just be so happy because I made it through the day without food…and no one even suspected anything.

I had several people tell me that Satan was in my mind and seriously taking over my thinking. But I brushed it off because I felt like I was in control of it; I felt like I knew what I was doing. I knew I was damaging myself physically, but somehow, I didn’t really care. I became brainwashed. I knew the not-eating was standing in the way of me and God. I knew that I needed it gone, but I just couldn’t let go of it; I couldn’t give up control. Not until I was happy with what I looked like. And I hated what I looked like. I would argue with people who told me I was skinny and beautiful. I couldn’t understand how they could look at me and think that I was beautiful and perfectly made, when I looked at myself with such disgust. I HATED myself. Everything about myself, I completely hated.

I knew other girls who were struggling with loving themselves, and I would try to have it all together for them; I would try to be strong for them and give them advice on how to love themselves. On how to accept themselves as they were. I would tell them that they were made exactly how God wanted them to be made, so why would they try to change themselves? God knows best after all. …But I was such a hypocrite. I couldn’t even listen to my own words; I didn’t believe them for myself. How much could they really take to heart what I said, if I couldn’t even apply it to my own life? I knew I was loved by God; I knew I had a family that loved me; I knew my boyfriend loved me; I knew all my friends loved me. And they loved me not because of what I looked like, not because of how skinny I was — but for ME, for who I was. …So why was it so hard for ME to love me? Why was it so hard for ME to accept myself?

I had a very brainwashed view of myself and what I “should” be. Of what I “should” look like. For a while, I denied even having an eating disorder. People said I was anorexic, and I thought they were absolutely insane because I thought that being anorexic meant you were like skin and bones. But I’ve learned that anorexia is a mindset — a mindset that I had. Sometimes I would ask myself if being skinny was really worth messing up my organs, or even risking my life. And I KNEW the answer was “absolutely not”, but I still couldn’t change my way of thinking. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t give up that control. Somewhere along the line, it had taken over the control; I no longer controlled IT — IT controlled ME. I was constantly planning how I was going to get out of eating that day, how I was going to skip as many meals as I could. It was taking over me, consuming me. And I didn’t want to be that girl; I didn’t want to be weak. I wanted to be the girl everyone looked up to.

But no one is perfect, and everyone struggles with something. And I struggled with this. I wasn’t letting God into my heart to help me with it. I still wanted to be in control of it — because I knew, deep down, that if I let Him have control, if I surrendered it to Him…He’d take it away. And I wasn’t ready for that yet. I tried not being so critical of myself for one week; just a week. …And I didn’t even last an hour. There is something so wrong with that. And eventually, it beat me down and wore me out. I couldn’t change myself; it was beyond my ability to fix. And I was TIRED of being consumed by it. I was TIRED of looking in the mirror and only seeing flaws. I was TIRED of being so physically weak and dizzy all the time. I was TIRED of acting like I had it all together. I was TIRED of pretending to be okay, when I wasn’t okay at all. I was exhausted and broken. It became less about control and more about what I needed — and I needed this to be gone. I needed it to not be standing in the way of me and God anymore. I needed Him. And I knew my relationship with Him was too important to sacrifice because of this struggle.

I’m not going to sit here and say that I woke up one day and it was over, that I’m now completely and totally free of this. Because I didn’t, and I’m not. Maybe one day I will be able to say that it is totally over…but not yet. But I DID wake up with a different attitude. I woke up and the first thing I thought WASN’T “how can I skip meals today?”. I looked in the mirror and my head wasn’t filled with thoughts of hatred. I can’t even remember the last time that happened.

I know this battle isn’t over yet; I know it’s not going to end overnight. I know I’m probably going to struggle with this for a while, if not the rest of my life. But my point is that right now, in this moment, I have something that I haven’t had in a long, long time: …I have hope. I can see God working. I can see Him changing my heart. And I am BEYOND excited about it. I’m starting to love myself for who I am. I’m starting to truly, honestly believe that I was made for a purpose, and that I was made the exact way God needed me to be made. I’m giving Him control of this — and He is taking it away. But it’s not bad like I thought it would be; I’m ready for it now. My heart is so incredibly happy for the first time in a long time. I feel free. I feel hopeful. And I can’t even begin to tell you how great it is.

My name is Kelly, and I haven’t skipped a meal in [over two hundred] days. I WILL overcome.”

Skinny Tricks

Posted: December 21, 2011 in beauty, Mirrors lie, uglyisalie

Ever eaten a lie?

I took a bite

It consumed me

The lie rejects

Anything else

I can’t eat

Because I took

One skinny bite

of a lie.

Can I Get A Diagnosis?

Posted: December 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Am I anorexic?

If you’re asking yourself this question, and you’re hoping the answer is yes, then you are. Let me explain why:

Anorexia is typically diagnosed under extreme, hospitalization-worthy, circumstances. Before then, it seems like everyone is basically saying “no, you’re not skinny enough… to be anorexic.” I think many people mean this with the best intentions. They don’t want you to have a problem. But being in that place, what we’re hearing is “we’re not thin enough.”

You do not have to be severely underweight or a size zero to have an eating disorder. If your obsession with being thin is changing your eating habits to the point where you are either purging (or have thought about it) or constricting calories to an extreme degree, you are, at the very least, at the beginning stages of Anorexia or Bulimia.

Let me be the first to say, you are THIN ENOUGH to have an eating disorder. There is something in the affirmation that what you’re feeling and dealing with is real.

If you are struggling with body image and the lies that the world is throwing to you about skinny, you are on the very front edge of an eating disorder. And it is okay, to tell someone, and it is GOOD to confess to this struggle.

Regardless of your place in this journey, if you are afraid you have an eating disorder, if someone has told you that you aren’t skinny enough to be struggling with an eating disorder, or if this has been part of your life for many, many years, today can be the day when you recognize that you’re struggling and that it’s okay to struggle, and today can be the day when you get help. You can be affirmed in knowing that the pain you feel is real and so is your struggle. Your pain is recognized as being legitimate. What you feel and what you struggle with is legitimate.

When we acknowledge each other’s feelings, pains, and struggles, we are telling someone that they matter and what they are feeling is real. Things that are real also have real healing and real escape and real freedom.

Your legitimate struggles have legitimate freedom.

Not being skinny enough to have a struggle with an eating disorder is a lie.

Skinny is a lie.

Hope and healing are real.

What Will Be Your Legacy?

Posted: December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

I read quote by J.K. Rowling that said: “Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.”

I think she’s right. First of all, fat isn’t a personality characteristic. And it’s not the worst thing a person can be. And being skinny is not the best thing a person can be. I read all these quotes about how you should be willing to give up all of these things to be skinny. But why? Why would you give up time to love your family & time to do things that are important just to be skinny?

I’m not talking about becoming healthy, being healthy is important. But wasting your life to be skinny is just as unhealthy as being obese. It’s just not worth it.

The way you look on the outside doesn’t define who you are on the inside.

Beauty does not come from comparing yourself to others. That steals your beauty. That’s what the lie wants you to do. To stop believing you are beautiful.

Whenever I feel like I could lose a few pounds I remember what I would be giving up. It’s not the food. It’s the mindset. I give up the mindset of being beautiful. I give up the mindset of being happy with myself and I give up the FOCUS on things that matter.

 

How can I be my best for God when I’m giving my best to be skinny? When I decide skinny is more important I’m making it a god in my life. Even if you aren’t religious, hear me out. Skinny isn’t a god worthy to be served. At best it will give you vanity. But it probably won’t even give you that. It will only give you the feeling of inadequecy. If you believe it through and through you will have wasted your life and died to be skinny.

When people look back at your life do you want your legacy to be that you were skinny? That you exercised all the time? When you give an account for all you did in your life and everything you accomplished, do you want “achieved a perfect weight” to be on the list? What lasting value does it have?

Be healthy, not for the sake of being healthy, but be healthy so you can be strong enough to carry out responsibilities and make differences that really matter. Be healthy so that you can spend time with your kids. Be healthy so you can serve for a long time. Be healthy so that you don’t wear out during the day because you’ve not been eating right. Be healthy so you can be strong enough to love, and free enough to serve, and happy enough to smile.